Is this the Beginning of the End?…
Most of this year, I’ve been fooling myself. I thought my husband and I were making progress. I told myself we were building something new—a new relationship, new roles, new intimacy. I even believed it was progress that sometimes I wanted to be intimate, and that it came from me.
But month after month, he was still unsatisfied. I don’t know what’s happening to me—my body, my mind, my spirit. Everything feels different. Not new. Just… different.
Up until June or July, I thought once a month was me warming up, slowly feeling close to him again. But all the times he complained, all the times he reminded me of what he needed… I didn’t notice how much it was pushing me away.
And now it’s September. He asked if we could be intimate, and I was nowhere near in the mood. He was so happy all weekend, and then Sunday came. It was like a switch flipped. Suddenly we were strangers under the same roof.
I tried asking if something was wrong, if I had done something without realizing it. But it just turned defensive. So I stopped. For the sake of “peace,” I let it go.
The hardest part is not having anyone to babysit so we can date each other again. So we can remember who we are to each other. Without that, it feels like we’re stuck. I try to make conversation, but it’s awkward. Dry. Almost uncomfortable.
And now I wonder— Is this the beginning of the end? Or did the beginning already happen months ago, and I just refused to see it?
I keep telling him, and myself: This is temporary. One day, life will feel normal again. But tonight, it doesn’t feel temporary. It feels like holding my breath, waiting to see what breaks first.
- Me